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JDaniel4s Mom

growing & learning with him

Changing How You Look At Your Mother In-Law

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I attend a moms group on Tuesdays called Mentor Moms. We are reading a book and discussing it at table groups this semester. The chapter last week was on mother in-laws. Before the table discussion a few mother in-laws stood up in front of the group and shared from their life experiences.
Each mom mentioned how their relationship with their children had shifted when they got married.  Some had really wonderful relationships with their daughter in-laws. Some have had  a difficult time.

Here are some of the tips they shared with us that I thought you might want to read before you head to Thanksgiving gathering that might include your in-laws: 

  • They won’t live forever so, try to make some  pleasant memories with them
  • Decide if battling over their serving your child two servings of ice cream is worth it.
  • A thank you note for even something small may begin to melt the coolest heart.
  • If their needs to be talk about an issue, have their child be the one to do the talking.
  • Try to include her in a holiday even if you can’t go to her house by calling, sending a card or flowers, or making before or after holiday plans.
  • If you are going to their house, ask ahead of time if there are things they would like for you to help with while you are there.
  • If you are going to their house, let them know ahead of time of allergies or limitations your kids might have they may have forgotten. They are older and older people can forget things.

 

Remember these things one mom said:

She once changed your spouse diapers.
 
She was once up late at night nursing him as a sick child.
 
She helped him learn how to treat you.
 
She taught him how to ride a bike, brush his teeth, and eat with a fork.
 
She introduced him to interests and hobbies he later excelled at.
 
She held him in her arms when terrible things like scrapped knees and bullies came into his life.

I know not all mothers did the things listed above. Some of you may have mother in-laws that were not great mothers and they may have done many things wrong.

For some reason unknown to anyone God did decide that your special guy would be given to your mother in-law to raise. 

She may not always be in the right. She may rarely be right in your eyes.I just ask you to think for a moment about how well or not well things have worked between the two of you. 

If any of the above tips can help to make things a little better this year, I am thrilled. 

Remember there is a little someone in your life that is watching how your treat your mother in-law and they  may apply it to a relationship with a mother in-law of their own down the line.

Disclaimer: I truly have been blessed by a wonderful mother in-law. We do have a couple of things we have worked on. 1. She eats a small breakfast, huge lunch and sometimes remembers dinner. I have learned to bring food with us for dinner or to offer to pick dinner up. She loves getting things brought in and I am not longer starving at night. 2. She leaves out all her breakables with the understanding that I will move the things Jdaniel could accidentally destroy. 

This post is linked to Mrs. Matlock’s Alphabe Thursday and Pour Your Heart Out on Things I Can’t Say!

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Comments

  1. What a lovely post. I agree with what you said about mother in laws. Not to mention you and I will someone’s too-sooner then we want to 🙂

  2. My mother-in-law has passed. I wish now I would have appreciate her more and noticed her differences less. She raised a wonderful son who has been very good to me and our special needs daughter. He brought me back to church and I joined the church of his family – which has brought me much happiness. Give your mother-in-law and hug and tell her you love her and appreciate the wonderful son she raised.

  3. What a blessing this post is to me. I don’t have a m.i.l. but I do have a grandmother-in-law. Sometimes things are difficult, and that’s why I always need reminders like this. I really do need to appreciate her more, and to let go a little.

  6. I feel blessed to have MIL who seems to like me, whoa! Because she had had a tenuous relationship with her MIL, she goes out of her way to be helpful and kind to me.
    Great advice!

  7. Very timely….my MIL is coming to watch the kids tomorrow night so we can attend parent-teacher conferences. She definitely does things a bit different, and she’s very opinionated – almost harsh, and there are a few battles that I fight within in my marriage that I can trace back to how my spouse was raised…..and like you say, I let him have any “talks” with her. But overall, she is kind hearted, adores her grandchildren, is great to sit and have a glass of wine and so good old fashioned girl chat. I think overall I am quite blessed.

  8. I’m sure this post is a timely help to some who struggle with their mother-in-law. I have been so blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law who has been so accepting of me and even supportive of some of our unconventional choices (homeschooling, adoption, large family). When I first became a daughter-in-law, I tried to remember that I would be a mother-in-law someday too and I thought about how I would want my future daughter-in-law to treat me. I think that helped get things off on the right foot.

    I’m glad to hear that you have a good relationship with yours too.

  9. I really struggled with my mil at first. There’s a long story behind that- and something that was caused by something that my own mother did. But, after we got honest with each other, we have a great relationship. It’s been a little strained lately, but I think that’s due to other things she has going on, not really to do with me.

  10. My MIL was a very sweet lady, but a little too generous with advice. I don’t take unsolicited advice well, but I tried to just grin and bear it and then seethe in private.

  13. Great advice!

    My mother-in-law passed away a couple of years ago. I had to win her over (she had hoped my husband would marry his high school girlfriend), but in the end, she and I did fine.

    Now, I AM the mother-in-law. I do my best to be a good one!

    =)

  14. I like it where it says ” She taught him how to treat you”…I always told my girls if you are interested in someone and marriage might be in the plans,, look how the guy you are interested in treats his mother..It will be how he treats you when you are married. My MIL was a very sweet lady, sad thing she had what used to be called hardening of the arteries and her mind always wasn’t with us. My children adored her and they have many memories of her. I strive to be a great MIL and love my daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws. Have a blessed day ~ ta ta for now from Iowa:)

  16. Those are really good tips. I used to let my MIL get under my skin. Now I’m cognizant that she won’t be around forever and I’d rather that our remaining years together be happy. So I let stuff slide now. It’s for the best, I think!

  19. Great tips and a wonderful reminder. I am blessed with a great MIL and should be more appreciating of her.

  22. Great advice! I am still very close with my first mother-in-law and have not had any issues with my other one. I am blessed. 🙂

  23. So – my mother in law is amazing. Awesomely amazing. But – I love your list. Great advice – and I love the list from the mom.

  24. Thankfully, I was blessed with an absolutely wonderful mother-in-law. I won’t say everything is always roses (they’re not with my mom either!), but I truly love and respect her. I told my husband when I agreed to marry him that half the reason I fell in love with him is because I fell in love with his family. It is true to this day!

  25. From the first time The Mister took me home to meet his family 31 years ago, my now-MIL has welcomed me with opens arms as the daughter she never had.

    It also helped that for most of our married life we lived far away and only saw each other for a couple of weeks per year.

    We are now moving into the difficult years. She is slowly being consumed by dementia so her personality is changing and I have to remind myself that some of her behavior is due to being fearful and not understanding what is going on around her.

    I feel honored to share the same last name as her 🙂

  27. Great advice and I am going to try to use it this Thanksgiving Holiday (the only holiday we spend with my in-laws).

    Unfortunately my MIL and I do not have a good relationship. It is very strained. And has been since Day 1. So strained that she refused to talk to me on my wedding day.

    Honestly I just don’t like the way she treats my husband…

  28. My MIL is wonderful but it has taken a lot of work for us both to understand one anthers’ boundaries .Just like any relationship – love patience and more love. Your children benefit from a happy grandmother and mum who are on the same page most of the time 🙂
    A lovely thought provoking post !

  29. I love this post 🙂 I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. In fact, my relationship with her is a lot better than her relationship with my husband!

    I grew up in a large, close knit family so I know how important it is to build good relationships with family members. My husband, on the other hand, was raised by a nanny and very rarely saw his own parents since they both had demanding careers that required them to be at the office most of the time. It’s part of the reason why he doesn’t share a lot of things with his parents and has no problem moving all the way out to Japan.

    I know my MIL has been trying to repair her relationship with her children these past few years and I’m trying to help her by being the mediator. She’s not the easiest person to get along with but knowing how she was raised and understanding why she is the way she is made it easier for me to get along with her. I know my MIL appreciates that I keep her updated on how things are going with both my husband and daughter.

  30. Great post, Deirdre. I am very blessed that my mother-in-law is terrific and I couldn’t ask for more. Am sure these tips helped many!

  32. Definitely something to think about! I have a MIL and I am a MIL(for 7 years now), ao I definitely have a new perspective:)

  34. I do try to consider these things. The most difficult part is that we are VERY different people.

    One that I try to do is “If their needs to be talk about an issue, have their child be the one to do the talking.” but at the same time, I’m quite certain it is a known fact that it’s coming from me (even if it isn’t) and I’m the bad guy.

  35. Sound words of advice. I have a wonderful mother-in-law who has a great love for life and has instilled that in her son. Having been previously married, I know the other side of mothers-in-law, too, AND the affect that they can have on their sons (our husbands) for good or for not so good.

  40. Wonderful advice! All Mom’s of sons will be mother-in-laws themselves one day, so a little effort now may make a big difference in the future as to how they treat their daughter-in-laws and visa versa 🙂

  41. This is a great post with lots of good pointers for Thanksgiving and all-year round. It’s too easy to take the people around us for granted and then, as your second bullet points out, it is suddenly too late to say and do the things that result in wonderful memories.

  42. I have never met my mother in law She passed away when my hubby was a kid but I think I will tell my sister to read this blog She does not get along with her inlaws

  44. I too am blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law whom I love dearly. She and my husband are close, but she has been sensitive and had the insight to let us be our own family. She’s a wonderful grandmother too. I hope I will be like her to my sons’ wives. That sounds like a good opportunity that you had to hear another side of the story. Your post encourages me to appreciate my own mother as well as my mother-in-law more. Thank you for sharing it.

  45. I absolutely adored my mother-in-law. She was the sweetest, kindest, and most loving mother that I had ever known. She was so beautiful, and her beauty came from deep within her as well. People were always commenting on how beautiful she was with her snow white hair and sparkling blue eyes. She had a profound faith in God that was more genuine than any woman I have ever known. I miss her every day.

  46. Everyone benefits and every life, each generation, is enriched if family gets along.

  50. What a great post! I’ve had two mothers-in-law because my husband’s father married twice. The first was my husband’s mother, and her favorite story was of how much she didn’t want a child and then got ‘a big, ugly boy’. She was eternally eighteen years old, but I know that she loved us and the children in her own way. Ours was a relationship only good because we lived a continent away and visited rarely. The second, who outlived my father-in-law, is the polar opposite of the first – we have a good relationship but it has never been cosy because she never mothered my husband or anyone else.
    What has this meant for me? Well, I was determined that my daughter in law would know she was loved and valued – she is the gentlest, sweetest and most generous young woman. I am so blessed to have had her come into my son’s life and into our lives. She was worth the wait!

  51. Wonderful post! My MIL had passed away for some time now, but oh what wonderful memories of her and with her when she was alive. I am so thankful and blessed with the relationship we had. She, like my mom, was such an inspiration and a testament of a hardworking homemaker, organized, a wonderful seamstress…so thankful to have many of her sewn and crocheted things to pass down to our children. And love that she kept family photos and jotted behind them.

    Blessings & Aloha!
    Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! And thank you my friend for stopping by! How neat that you were married on 11/11 at 11:11! :o)

  52. No mother in law jokes here…my own MIL, gone tragically in a house fire in 1987 was a Lady. Always well mannered and beautifully groomed. We got along famously and would often talk for an hour on the phone long distance. Being Australian and marrying an Air Force officer during WWII, she gave up being near her own family and country and moved all the world without complaint. At her funeral my sister-in-law told me “Mother always liked you best.” and that meant the world to me.

  53. I went from the mother-in-law from ummm…somewhere hot to no mother-in-law at all.

    My husband always tells me his mother and I would have clashed something fierce, but I’d have liked a chance to know. She’s been gone a long time, though!

    Thanks for this thoughtful link. I wonder if it would be tacky to send it to my own daughter-in-law?

    A++++++++++++++++++

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