Many women fear that they won’t have children or that they can’t. For a long time I feared that I would have children and that they would carry on family traits via my DNA.
In fact with marriage not in the picture due to the calluses on my heart I mentioned a few weeks ago for a long time. I had also decided that children even outside of marriage children won’t be an option either. Children I adopted won’t inherit the scary inherited problems I feared but, they could still appear in my life.
There are members of my family in previous generation that have had to deal with mental illness and chemical dependency. They struggled to fight against them and some worked hard to deal with them. It was so hard for me to watch as I was growing up.
As the over thinker in the family, I maybe the only one that even thought about the effect our heritage might have on the next generation.
As a Christian, I should have been able to let go and let God give me what he felt like I could handled but, for the longest time I couldn’t. I prayed that I could get past this barrier in my heart and mind. I prayed that my heart would long to have a family and that I would be up for the homework that God I would have to do to get past those barriers.
It took a long time to for me to I moved past the fears and see the hope I longed for. It took a wonderful prayer group and amazing Bible study to help support me in my desire to change. The ladies in both of these groups were like sisters to me and were my prayer warriors. My real life sisters along with my spiritual sisters helped me open up to the greatest gifts in my life.
Thankfully God willingly to massage my heart and mind set to see that he had something very special for me. Something that would give me hope instead of fill me with dread.
When I met my husband, I knew pretty quickly that he was the one that I wanted to build a family with. There had been amazing men in my life that I hadn’t been ready for. I am so glad that Jdaniel3 came into my life when I was finally open to having him be the one.
Amazingly there were no fears about having Jdaniel after years of fear! I feared instead that I won’t be given the opportunity to be one.
We were so excited when we found out we were being blessed with him.
My husband and my son have changed my life. I don’t know what the future holds in any of our lives. My family DNA could still effect my family, but I know we can work through them.
My husband pointed out from the beginning of our marriage that we would work through any problem that came up as a team. Those words meant so much to my still healing heart. They will be cherished by me forever.
Why am I writing about all of this now?
This post has been haunting me for a few weeks. I have tried to figure out how to put these thoughts in to post for awhile.
I don’t really know why I needed to write it but, I know I did. I am so hoping that if there is anyone that is struggling with these issues or similar ones you will be happy to know that you are not alone and that you can make it past them. If this post helps just one person realize that, it will be so worth my writing it.
Oh, this is such a raw and beautiful post. Thank you so much for opening up and having the courage to share. I understand your pain and dread, and I will keep you in my prayers. You are wonderful mother and faithful child of God. I know in my heart that your beautiful family will be just fine. 🙂
Some posts just grab your heart and won’t let go until they get written. This is one of them. I agree we will be fine thanks to the fact we have Him guiding us.
I love how you are just speaking from your heart. That type of writing really gets to the bones of the matter.
xxoo,
RMW
This post was a leap of faith. I wasn’t sure how it would be taken. Thank you for you wonderful support.
I have a pretty messed up family including alcoholism and drug abuse. I’ve never done anything like that, but hearing about generational curses and stuff like that concerned me when it came time to have kids. However, I know that I’ve made a choice to not follow in the path of many of my relatives, so I know my children will have a good example in myself and my husband when it comes to making decisions in life.
You are a loving, caring mother and although this may weigh heavy on your heart, you are not those people. JDaniel is blessed to have you and your hubby as parents!
We both so blessed to see how things could be and be able to have them be different in our families.
What a wonderful mother and woman you are! I am so impressed by your willingness to follow inspiration…even without knowing the reason why. I do not doubt this will bless MANY! Thank you!
Thank you! This post begged to be written. I hope it does let others know they aren’t alone.
Thanks for your courageous post. My impression is that you are a wonderful, loving and devoted mother to JDaniel. I know that God heals our hearts and gives us what we need to accomplish his means…building families is a key part of that.
He truly does and my family has been blessed by it.
Very courageous post.
Thank you! It was hard to write but, I felt it needed to be put into words.
Beautifully written. I’m glad you were able to let go of some of those fears.
Thank you so much! It was so worth handing the fears over. My guys were so worth it.
Thank YOU for sharing! We all have things in our past that bring us pain. I appreciate you sharing how your faith, sister friends and a wonderful husband got you through!
The right team beside you can make all the difference.
Wow! That was an incredible post and one that I am so proud of you for writing. I actually understand this..while I am not worried about mental illness or chemical dependency (although my family has struggled with both) I worry more about the violence I grew up in and how my rage sems to rear it’s ugly head in parenting. I find when my patience is thin and my voice is raised and “crazy” that I can hear my mom and dad in their worst moments in my head. When I go to spank or raise my hand I try to remember that I have worked so hard to put my past behind me and that I don’t want my sons to fear me like I feared my parents at their worst moments.
I get it and I’m so glad you worked through it, that you see what you fear and you look it in the eye. Jdaniel is so lucky to have YOU as a mom!
Thank you so much! I think a lot of us have had things happen in our family that we don’t want to repeat. Your guys are blessed to have you as a mom.
Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly – I’m sure this will be a great encouragement for others.
Jx
Thank you!I thought it was time to explain why I became a mom so late in life.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed of how huge a job motherhood is. Of how many things I can control and how many things I can’t.
I so appreciate your honesty.
You are so right. There are so many things that go into being the moms we want to be.
Thanks you so much for sharing! I am glad that you have been blessed with a loving husband and wonderful son.
They truly are gifts from above.
Your post really touched me! Thank you for sharing. You are a great example of faith.
I am so glad. You just don’t know when you print a post if it will convey what you want it to.
being a mom scares me from every angle. Are they safe, are they smart, are they happy. We can’t control everything we have to accept them they way the are and work through the struggles and bumps. Great post!
You are so right! It took me a long time to get this but, it is so true.
Thank you for sharing and being an encouragement. There are things I very much wrestle with and things I want to be careful about around my family. But just seeing how God broke down your walls is amazing.
Thankfully He is very patient and reteaches lessons I didn’t get the first time.
I’m so glad your dreams came true. It’s so amazing once we can see life’s plan for us!
I am too! They are better than I could imagine.
You were brave to share the secret fears of your heart. I think sharing them helps the rest of us know we are not the only ones who struggle with issues like this, and also helps lessen your own fear. Thanks for sharing!
It was a little scary to post all this. I do hope it will help others.
It feels good to let some of this go huh? My brother swore he would never “plague” a child by his DNA (alcoholism and drug abuse, a horrible temper etc) and unfortunately he never had the chance. You are a wonderful mother and I learn more and more from you/about you with each post I read!
I am sorry about your brother. Thank you for you kind words. They mean a lot.
There are so many things in our families and our past that we don’t want to affect our kids or our marriages and we try so hard to keep those things out of our lives. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but we should never let fear get in the way if we know that happiness is on the other side.
You were brave to write this and then share it with everyone.
You are so right about not letting fear get in the way. It just blinds us to happiness we could have if we get past it.
This is a wonderful post, and I suspect you were inspired to write it not just for your benefit, but for someone else’s.
I’m glad that you found your JDaniels.
😉
I am just glad I could share that I made it past it with a lot of help.
I think being raw is what most readers are looking for in a blog. To know that they are not alone. Kudos to you for obey God’s prompting to write it. I too hope others are in encouraged by our story. While different with why we married and had children a bit later, they are still quite similar. Don’t ignore that prompting in for future posts. Well done.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. It means a lot.
The people who don’t have hesitations about becoming parents are the ones who probably should be more concerned. I know you’re doing a great job and everything will turn out.
I think hesistations help me pray through areas I need to work on.
No doubt this post will touch and help someone who needs to read it. I’ve “felt” posts like that before too…sometimes not something I really wanted to write but knew God was telling me to.
Thank you for writing it.
He has a way of helping us grow and helping others if we just start typing.
I have been touched my many of your posts.
very precious that you wanted to share with us. Sounds like your whole family is lucky in life, and well appreciated. {:-Deb
We have all been through rough patches thankfully with God at our sides.
Very moving post. So glad you took the leap of faith.
I am glad that I had you to show me the way.
I know how you feel. Everytime my daughter had a child she asked the same questions. My daughter was born with Cerebral Palsy and her husband already has an Autistic child. So far, each grandchild is perfect in everyway.One does have some emotional issues but we are working through it with him. That’s all you can do. Work though it.~Ames
Working and praying through it with a great support system really works.
I can relate to this. I was an abused child and right up until I found out I was pregnant with my little guy I was terrified of having a child. I didn’t know what kind of mother I would be. Now, my biggest regret is letting this fear control me for so long.
It was very courageous of you to write this post. I know how hard it is to feel comfortable revealing these scars that have left their indelible mark on us. They feel so very personal and private. Thanks for sharing!
I think looking back on the struggle and how we made it through makes it easier to get through new challenges that come up.
Thanks for sharing from your heart and being so transparent. Transparency can be difficult and scary but can also bring healing.
I felt so good to write this post.
What a beautiful and vulnerable post! I can definitely understand your fears, but I am so overjoyed for you that God lead you to the family he had in mind for you all along! So wonderful!
He has a wonderful plan. We both have been blessed by marrying amazing mean and have given special children.
What a beautifully written piece. Thank you for sharing this with us. May God be with you and your family.
Thank you. I wish the same for you too.
This was so open and honest. I think that sometimes what we have in our heads takes a while to travel to our hearts and when it finally gets there we feel safe enough to put it into words. The words came out beautifully for you and they are all heart.
Thank you so much! It does take time for ideas and thoughts to travel.
I know what you mean. Even though I didn’t have any family issues to grapple with, I was not ready for children until just the right moment. Now I only wish this moment came a few years earlier, so I could convince my husband to have #2. I treasure my one and only so-so much!
I sometimes think we should have had two but, then I look at JDaniel and realize we were blessed to have him.
As I read this, I kept hearing in my head, “love is patient, love is kind…and love never fails.” You’ve shared something remarkable here. May God continue to bless you and your family. Thank God for the Mom Loop Friday Follow COMMENT EDITION…
Peace and good,
Chelle
Such a generous post! There are women out there who will read this and find it speaking to them in a way that nothing else has – there is no story that is more helpful or touching than a true one.
Blogging is so wonderful, the internet is so wonderful. We can help others through our struggles, and you never know who will find their way to your blog, one lonely night, by someone looking for others that understand, and don’t judge.
I love personal blogging like this, I really do.
Thank you for your openness.
This is such an amazing post! I love your honesty. Hopefully this post will help other women.
such an open and honest post… so glad that you did not let the fear hold you back, as you are amazing mom
So beautifully written and touched my soul. Thank you for sharing this. I was afraid I would never trust again but you are right, the faith and the support from others has been God’s extended hands that healed me.
This post made me shiver. We’ve been in a horrible place with our youngest daughter again…my husband asked me the other day if I knew it would be like this if I would have still wanted kids.
I didn’t know how to answer him.
No pain can compare to those caused by or driven by your children in pain…
But no joy can compare to the times you held their hearts and kept them safe.
This was beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad you were able to overcome your fears and be blessed with a child. He is beautiful.
Amber
http://mommyearth.blogspot.com