I am very excited about being a part of the We Get It series on Golden Gleam. Moms are sharing a variety of difficult childhood behaviors that they are struggling with in their homes. My topic in the series is self-centered children.
Before you read my post below know that JDaniel was probably born with some of the traits I talk about below and some he has probably learned from my husband and me. Yes, I too struggle with being self-centered and self-focused
It is so hard to not get what you want when you want it. I think everyone would love it if things just magically went our way, but they don’t always.
Children learn very early on to be self-centered. When they are babies they cry out for food, diaper changes, snuggles, and help. The people in their lives run to meet the need that they have cried out for, and the little one feels peace. This is the way it was at our house. I would add a little something about how it is suggested by current experts that babies are met their needs right away if that’s something you believe too.
As children grow older, their demands don’t need to be answered as quickly. Mom and dad tell them, “Wait or Not, right now.” This can be infuriating to a child that perceives their want or need as a priority. Yet as children age they need to learn to be less self-focused and learn to focus on others and how they interact with others. This doesn’t mean that they always put others first and themselves second or third, but that they think of others and how they talk, play, and live with them.
Tantrums and trouble with behavior can ensue when children don‘t feel that their needs are being met as they feel they should be. Parents are really only given two ways to respond to their children’s self-centered demands. They can give in to the demand and gain momentary peace or they can help guide their children away from being self-focused.
My son is an only child. Much of our time at home is focused on doing things together, but there are times when I tell him that he will have to wait for something or that it isn’t the right time for candy or he adds an option C to the two choices I have given him isn’t going to work.
Early on his toddler years, he started balling up his fists and stomping one of his feet to let me know that he felt strongly about his demand. As he grew older, he started sharing his demands loudly and throwing tantrums.
I have to admit there were times I decided it wasn’t worth the battle, and I gave in. Those times were such mistakes. I set bad precedents, and he learned that arguing with me could loosen my resolve, and he could try to get away with listening to my directions.
Something had to be done to help him learn to focus on others and not just himself. His self-centered comments and episodes were going to make him difficult to be around and keep him from making and keeping friends. Who wants to be around a child that could explode at any moment?
JDaniel hasn’t reached the point of friends not wanting to play with him and, thankfully, tantrums are not every day or every week. He was and is still having trouble with sharing toys and a few other things.
There are times that he is loud and unruly in public, and we have to leave the store or park, because of bad reactions to his demands. I try refocusing him on something else and trying to help him find something else to do. Sometimes nothing seems to work. When those times come up, we leave our grocery cart at the front of the store and head home or pack up our park things and leave. I believe that allowing JDaniel to continue to interfere with other people’s outings isn’t fair to them and I am left feeling foolish repeatedly trying to refocus him or settle him down. Yes, it means I may have to go back to the store later or we don’t get a long time at the park, but the consequences of not leaving are just not worth it.
So what are we doing about it?
One of the keys to becoming less self-centered is to learn to focus on others.
Another key is working on self-centered behaviors is to be consistent as a parent.
We have been reading Love and Logic at our house. It strongly recommends not joining verbal battles. Instead, it advocates letting children know that they are being heard by repeating their requests.
JDaniel is not enjoying the lessons I am learning from Love and Logic. He doesn’t seem like being removed from situations in which he is making bad choices. He really doesn’t like my not engaging in a verbal battle that he is probably sure he can win. JDaniel sure doesn’t like the fact that things are not turning out as he had planned.
What I like is that he is having to think about the ramifications of his choices on himself and others. Helping him logically become less self-centered is working on not only the heart of his self-centeredness but his self-centered heart. While JDaniel doesn’t like Love and Logic, he is learning from it.
This is a wonderful series. Please take a moment to visit the Golden Gleam and learn more about the topics in the series. Next week’s topic is perfectionism.
Thanks for sharing so openly here. I’ve certainly dealt with self-centered behavior in my children – and, of course, in myself! It’s been a while since I read Love and Logic, but I remember gleaning some useful tips from that book. And like you said, being consistent is the key!
Blessings to you as you continue to help shape JDaniel’s heart and character!
They certainly all have self centered behavior, and it’s hard chipping away at that bit by bit. I have one that is truly wonderful and generous in all situations, but my other two struggle quite a bit more with it.
I know both of my kids have had their moments and still to this day we deal with issues like tantrums. They just take on a different form than when they were little. Instant gratification is also one area I am working with them. Most of the outbursts come from not getting what they want. So frustrating. It is nice to hear all of us experience the same sort of thing as parents. 🙂
Love and Logic sounds right on.
And I think even babies don’t need to have every need met so quickly. It’s hard to teach children to be other than self-centered as toddlers when they have not had a chance to learn to entertain or comfort themselves as babies.
JMHO, of course. And I’m not saying don’t meet a baby’s needs. Just don’t run so fast.
😉
Great post! Children can most definately be self-centered..especially when they are so young. Great job in how you are handling it and the love and logic book is right on 🙂
Blessings!
Awesome post! Sometimes I give in to Baby C even when I know I shouldn’t. I’m not really helping anything in the long run when I give it, it’s just satisfies things in the moment.
Great post. I struggle with appeasing my kids and putting down my hand. I do a little bit of both but I don’t want kids being self centered. Sometimes it happens, but I try my best to even it out!
Great advice here. One of the hardest things as they get older is NOT ENGAGING with them them when they are mad. Like you learned in love and logic, just repeating the rule and not getting into a verbal sparring match. Tough stuff, but really important.
This is such a wonderful post. I have an only child and somehow he was okay with sharing and such, but I know a lot of other parents are looking for answers to this difficult behavior. You have created such a fantastic resource for them. I loved every single one of your tips. And your first tip about talking to him beforehand is something I do for lots of different things with R. I remind him of what kind of behavior is expected before we go or do. I think it really helps with a lot of different scenarios. Excellent article!
Great post! Thank you for sharing this struggle and some of the things you are doing about it.
I want to check out Love and Logic. Sometimes I get sucked into verbal battles.
You’re an awesome mom to recognize this. I see so many that just let their kids get their way to avoid the battle.
I have only one child too. Yes, he can be self-centered, but I think all kids are like that to a certain extent. It’s human nature, perhaps. There’s where we come in as parents… to guide them along the way.
I agree with Missy above. As they mature and their tantrums turn into debates and arguments…I really have to try not to engage in it and either walk away or send them straight to their rooms.
It is hard to teach all of these lessons of life but JDaniel couldn’t be in better hands. You are always not only teaching him but willing to learn with him as he grows.
Great tips for everyone who reads…no matter the age, you can take something away from this!
I agree with Missy above. As they mature and their tantrums turn into debates and arguments…I really have to try not to engage in it and either walk away or send them straight to their rooms.
It is hard to teach all of these lessons of life but JDaniel couldn’t be in better hands. You are always not only teaching him but willing to learn with him as he grows.
Great tips for everyone who reads…no matter the age, you can take something away from this!
I admit, it was nice to know I was not the only one that gives in… I just feel at times like I need to pick my battles (at times) and somethings are just not that important… I do need to be consistent on it, so thanks for calling me out on that one!
some of this resonates with me. we’ve had many experiences like you’re talking about. good resouce. pinning it.
Great post. In our family we were never in favor of “accidental parenting”. Both of us are fairly consistent with discipline because our daughter is probably a lawyer in training and argues her points every chance she gets.
Love and logic really works hand in hand! You have to be consistent with your kids in order for them to grow up well adjusted. People that believe in these half truths that they seem to make up as they go turn out children that are rude and obnoxious. A little discipline never hurt anyone. You are good parents. Always remember that.
Watching our oldest son graduate college on Mother’s Day and our youngest son from high school on Tuesday the 15th I turned to my hubby and said “We did a good job!” I was proud as punch! Enjoy the weekend. Hope you stop by soon. Hugs to all of you .
Thoughtful post for a diffult topic…I can relate to this one and will continue with this topic when it’s my turn.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Angelique
Great advice! I think the consistency is key – and I think situations like this often get worse, before they get better. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job!