JDaniel has decided at age four he know what he needs to do, when he needs to do it, and if your choices for him are going to make him happy.
He wants the freedom to make choices his life and so he is given some.
JDaniel needs to learn about making good choices, about consequences to making bad choices, and how to make them when mom isn’t around to bounce the choices off of. Giving him a little more freedom has given him the chance to learn.
His day starts with choices. He gets to decide what he would like for breakfast as long as it isn’t popsicles and sweet tea. Then he gets to decide if he want to watch a show and which show he wants to watch. When that is show is over, he gets to help decide his clothes and whether he will wear his red boots or sneakers.
Some of these early morning freedoms of choice are open ended and others have limitations. He sometimes fights these limits. He knows of better choices like watching a whole morning of television and wearing pajamas outside the house.
There needs to be some freedom to given to him to test out whether his choices are good and valid ones to make. Reading a book about microorganisms before heading to the grocery store turns out to be a great choice while spreading every toy out on the floor and suggesting that they be cleaned up later much later proves to be a bad one. It turns out later means wanting to wait until tomorrow and mom won’t let you watch a video on robots with dad until your room is clean.
As the day continues there are more opportunities for choices and learning about making them away from mom. JDaniel has always fought going to the playroom or the gym at the Y. He wants to be by me at all times when he is around people he doesn‘t know. I have been pushing him to play in the gym. There is a track right above it he can see me walking or jogging on. He still fights it. He will go in and sit along the wall and watch me for thirty minutes before he will make the choice to play. I have to fight the desire to help him make the choice to make new friends and play. I walk around the track praying they next time I am in his view he will be up and playing. It will take time. For the past three times we have gone he has repeated the same choice even though he has the freedom to make a change to it.
Lately he has had more friends coming over to play and they have been given the freedom to play in his room with my checking in on them. Some friends have made choices that JDaniel knew weren’t okay and he has sought me out to tell me about them. There have been other choices that were not good that I have found out about later and he has denied they happened. He has had to learn that freedom to make choices especially bad ones come with consequences. He has also learned that the truth may not set you completely free, but it does go over better with your parents.
JDaniel will have years of making choices and searching for more and more freedom in his life. I am so hoping that the foundation he is building now will help him make good choices in the future.
This post is linked to Alphabe Thursday!
I agree with your philosophy. I don’t let my boys completely run the show, but I find when they are given appropriate freedoms they make better choices than when I try to micromanage every single thing they do.
I agree as well. It is so important to allow them the freedom to make some of their own choices, when appropriate, and what you are describing is completely in line with the age. My boys are just about the same age, 3-1/2 and 5, and they play together a lot. This brings a whole other set of choices into play, and the opportunity to make the right one. When they don’t they lose priviledges, which they do not like at all. I”m hoping that the consequences will help them to choose better next time. Of course, good choices are praised. It’s so much fun to see their little faces light up when they are praised for a good choice!
I loved this post for so many reasons. This is the way I was raised and the way I hope to raise my boys. I was given freedom, within reason, as long as I lived up to certain things (good grades, etc.). I found that I made better choices than friends who were often restricted because I knew the consequences of my decisions – the need to rebel wasn’t there for me. I think you are doing a great job, although from a parent’s perspective it is so hard to let go.
I love your approach! We try to do this in our home, as well.
When friends enter the picture I have found that it is so difficult to help your child remind their friends what the rules are.
Choices are tricky. We can guide them a lot but in the end, they still make choices, one way or another, and hopefully the better choice.
Given freedom to make certain choices at young ages is important. It helps to prepare kids. Life is made up of decisions. Teaching and living by example will help to guide your young ones for those critical decsions later on. You’ll have proud moments and disappointing ones, too. Hopefully the disappointments will only be few. Good ‘G’ post! ^.^
No doubt life is very important to make decisions, knowing what you want and much better, knowing how to get it.
My friend,
I don’t have kids…but you sound like a great mom (smile).
Just wait another year – and the independence struggle will only get stronger. I think at some point they realize that while they are technically making choices, all really important choices still belong to parents. It’s quite hard for my daughter to digest, and we’ve had a lot of power struggles lately.
So many people try to make all the decisions for their children. Then the children are thrown out into the world and expected to do well. It sounds like you are giving him lots of practice and experience to learn from. He has a good foundation. I believe it will serve him well.
Thanks for sharing. Stopping by from SITS.
{Kathy} Setting limits now about when and where he has choices is so wise. Most of the time too much freedom is overwhelming to a small child. I myself get a bit freaked out when I have too many choices–like going to a store with a ton of clutter everywhere. Calmness comes from having a few fabulous, appropriate ones.
I don’t have children, but I can imagine that making choices for a young person is sometimes hard, especially when you’re used to one thing. But I’m sure JDaniel will start taking chances with new things. And I hope they are good choices! Very sweet blog post. {:-D
broxton is at the independent stage… big time… as in the other day, he had on rain boots, a winter hat, t-shirt, shorts and a couple toys to go to lunch.. haha….
This is a very good reminder for me. I have become lazy while on vacation about this. It is much easier to force the kids to eat what we have or to wear something that is easy for me to pull out of our bins in our foreign and limited space. But, tomorrow, I’m going to make an effort to offer choices! Thank you!
This is exactly what we are doing with our 4 y.o. daughter. We allow her to make choices (with limits). It allows her a sense of independence, power, and confidence. And I hope it will help her make good ones when I am not around.
It’s important for kids to make choices, and it’s also important that they know who is ultimately in charge. It sounds like you are doing a good job of both…
Parenting is quite the balancing act, isn’t it?
=)
I think you are doing a great job. Sometimes, I forget to let them make choices.
Thank you for this post! My daughter is turning 5 next week, and this is definitely a thought-provoking piece.
Visiting via SITS. 🙂
Sounds like the perfect approach – he must be learning a lot about responsibility.
It’s such a fine line, isn’t it? I agree that it’s important that our kids learn how to make choices and yes, the consequences of choices too. We take a similar approach by giving our kids the freedom to decide things but also making sure that those choices are things that we’d be happy with no matter what they choose 🙂
Perfect timing for this post – a post about freedoms in the same week of 4th of July…
My 4 year old is trying to exert her freedoms a little more lately, too. So is the 3 yr. old. I love when she picks out her own clothes – yesterday she wore long pants with shorts over them b/c she couldn’t decide. Ultimately the shorts won since it was 100 degrees here… LOL.
Stopping by from SITS today!
I applaud you for allowing JDaniel to make choices now and then. I’m sure this will help him become a much wiser adult some day.
What a wonderfully thought provoking post.
Good choices are always easy if someone makes them for you.
I think it’s the choices we make on our own that count. It’s neat that you’re teaching JDaniel how to do this!
What a great post!
Thank you for sharing it.
A+