I am very excited about being a part of the We Get It series on Golden Gleam.  Moms are sharing a variety of difficult childhood behaviors that they are struggling with in their homes. My topic in the series is self-centered children.

Before you read my post below know that JDaniel was probably born with some of the traits I talk about below and some he has probably learned from my husband and me. Yes, I too struggle with being self-centered and self-focused

It is so hard to not get what you want when you want it. I think everyone would love it if things just magically went our way, but they don’t always.

Children learn very early on to be self-centered. When they are babies they cry out for food, diaper changes, snuggles, and help. The people in their lives run to meet the need that they have cried out for, and the little one feels peace. This is the way it was at our house. I would add a little something about how it is suggested by current experts that babies are met their needs right away if that’s something you believe too.

As children grow older, their demands don’t need to be answered as quickly. Mom and dad tell them, “Wait or Not, right now.” This can be infuriating to a child that perceives their want or need as a priority. Yet as children age they need to learn to be less self-focused and learn to focus on others and how they interact with others. This doesn’t mean that they always put others first and themselves second or third, but that they think of others and how they talk, play, and live with them.

Tantrums and trouble with behavior can ensue when children don‘t feel that their needs are being met as they feel they should be. Parents are really only given two ways to respond to their children’s self-centered demands. They can give in to the demand and gain momentary peace or they can help guide their children away from being self-focused.

My son is an only child. Much of our time at home is focused on doing things together, but there are times when I tell him that he will have to wait for something or that it isn’t the right time for candy or he adds an option C to the two choices I have given him isn’t going to work.

Early on his toddler years, he started balling up his fists and stomping one of his feet to let me know that he felt strongly about his demand. As he grew older, he started sharing his demands loudly and throwing tantrums.

I have to admit there were times I decided it wasn’t worth the battle, and I gave in. Those times were such mistakes. I set bad precedents, and he learned that arguing with me could loosen my resolve, and he could try to get away with listening to my directions.

Something had to be done to help him learn to focus on others and not just himself. His self-centered comments and episodes were going to make him difficult to be around and keep him from making and keeping friends. Who wants to be around a child that could explode at any moment?

JDaniel hasn’t reached the point of friends not wanting to play with him and, thankfully, tantrums are not every day or every week. He was and is still having trouble with sharing toys and a few other things.

There are times that he is loud and unruly in public, and we have to leave the store or park, because of bad reactions to his demands. I try refocusing him on something else and trying to help him find something else to do. Sometimes nothing seems to work. When those times come up, we leave our grocery cart at the front of the store and head home or pack up our park things and leave. I believe that allowing JDaniel to continue to interfere with other people’s outings isn’t fair to them and I am left feeling foolish repeatedly trying to refocus him or settle him down. Yes, it means I may have to go back to the store later or we don’t get a long time at the park, but the consequences of not leaving are just not worth it.

So what are we doing about it?

One of the keys to becoming less self-centered is to learn to focus on others.

Another key is working on self-centered behaviors is to be consistent as a parent.

Your “yes” responses need to be “yes” with a time qualifier, if necessary. I might say that we can do something in a few minutes because dinner is on the stove, and if I don’t stir, it will burn. There are times when you agree with your child and find “yes” is the right answer. It might be because it is not a battle you choose to fight or it is an issue you don’t feel like starting a battle about at that moment. In my family, the tone and volume of the request delivered can greatly impact my willingness to say “yes”.Your “no” responses need to be “no” responses consistently. When I break with a precedent, JDaniel actually calls me on it. He points out that that is just not the way things have been done, and we talk about why I am making the change. When he is in a tantrum, I really try to be consistent.
We have been reading Love and Logic at our house. It strongly recommends not joining verbal battles. Instead, it advocates letting children know that they are being heard by repeating their requests.

JDaniel is not enjoying the lessons I am learning from Love and Logic. He doesn’t seem like being removed from situations in which he is making bad choices. He really doesn’t like my not engaging in a verbal battle that he is probably sure he can win. JDaniel sure doesn’t like the fact that things are not turning out as he had planned.

What I like is that he is having to think about the ramifications of his choices on himself and others. Helping him logically become less self-centered is working on not only the heart of his self-centeredness but his self-centered heart. While JDaniel doesn’t like Love and Logic, he is learning from it.

This is a wonderful series. Please take a moment to visit the Golden Gleam and learn more about the topics in the series. Next week’s topic is perfectionism.